I enjoy attention. Actually I crave it. I absorb it. I desire it. It is lust and substance and wine for me. In a few conversations with friends and associates, I have expressed my concerns about the unquenchable thirst of attention I desire. Most of my close friends acknowledge this desire but really cannot explain it further than I can as to the machina, the mechanical aspects of my spirit so to speak, as to why I feel the need. Some even joke about it which I take in stride for if I cannot laugh at myself, I cannot laugh at anything else.
I did the Rave on the Roof event last night and I was actually sad. The event started on time, the music was more positive and upbeat even though I decided to go with a darker side of music. Nobody came. I don’t know why really, its not like folks don’t know where we are. I suspect it may be perception and location really. I had heard on the Caledon Independent Channel the previous night some rumblings of male chests and some comments on how furry my particular chest was. I really wasn’t paying too much attention at the time due to a rather in depth conversation with some friends so I did not really tune in as much. Some of those rumblings and discussions started again tonight and after 30 minutes of only having a few of the usual crowd there, I announced that I was taking off my shirt. The reason why I did it was pretty simple, I was trying to shine and nobody was paying attention. I work hard. I work harder for others. I DJ because not only does music enlighten me, move me, carry emotions in word and thought and sound, but I wish to share the positive imagery and motivation and impact music has stirred in me with the rest of the world. When nobody seems to care, that cuts me deeply. So I turn to using every trick I can to get people to listen.
Thirty minutes later and a few more folks start to trickle in. Then more come and I am a bit buried in IM’s for requests for music.
Apparently I now have a group dedicated to the appreciation of my chest. No not me at all, nor my personality nor any other part of me, just my chest and its follicles. Part of me is overwhelmed by the attention being the attention lush that I am. I also derive satisfaction that some of my imagined friendly rivalry with a few other gentlemen in Caledon society over chest appreciation seems to have reached a new, higher level and now I am a high contender. I get to be in the big league, YAY! I also get to anger a few people greatly that all ready despise me because of who I am. Part of me is, well frankly, terrified. Shaving is now out of the question and maintaining my newly declared asset is now a requirement. Too much exposure also and folks will get bored just like they do with my silks, OMG dancing, and flirting. It is not insecurity, for I am confident in my looks and my physical centering in the universe, but it will be a test for my more unstable spiritual and emotional centering. I must not disappoint least the attention wanes.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Signs posted at the Toxic Waste Dump....
I notice most of my postings have been rather negative. I try to be a positive influence in Caledon and beyond, however, it is almost impossible for me to have a plastered smile, a masque full of sunshine and rainbows all the time. There are moments when I feel like the standard courtesies and grinning lies wear me down faster than truth. Truth I can accept.
I suppose I should get in line with everyone else to be a ‘good’ boy. Society dictates it and like a lobotomized sheep, I shall mindlessly waltz with the best, pardon the drool.
What has been disconcerting as of late is how often my honesty or opinion stops a discussion dead in its tracks. Two nights ago I made a statement on how I thought that even if it were in jest, general chat could be so cruel and hateful, could not we all get along a bit better? All discussion stopped…for over 15 minutes. I think I broke them or they just wandered out of the Chat area out of sheer boredom.
I have finally realized no matter how hard I try to just be me and to stick by my principles, people don’t care. I am just background noise to most people. I try to strike up a conversation, almost all of the time not about me, but they don’t take me seriously or they have better things to do. I can understand I don’t have to be, and frankly, I don’t want to be the center of attention, but can I actually have some courtesy? I wish I could have something more besides “How are you?” Those three words are so insincere. Nobody really cares. It is mock courtesy.
*Sigh*. I need to stop using my Blog as a toxic waste dump. Its not helping and I am sure if I have a single reader, they don’t want to hear my crap.
I suppose I should get in line with everyone else to be a ‘good’ boy. Society dictates it and like a lobotomized sheep, I shall mindlessly waltz with the best, pardon the drool.
What has been disconcerting as of late is how often my honesty or opinion stops a discussion dead in its tracks. Two nights ago I made a statement on how I thought that even if it were in jest, general chat could be so cruel and hateful, could not we all get along a bit better? All discussion stopped…for over 15 minutes. I think I broke them or they just wandered out of the Chat area out of sheer boredom.
I have finally realized no matter how hard I try to just be me and to stick by my principles, people don’t care. I am just background noise to most people. I try to strike up a conversation, almost all of the time not about me, but they don’t take me seriously or they have better things to do. I can understand I don’t have to be, and frankly, I don’t want to be the center of attention, but can I actually have some courtesy? I wish I could have something more besides “How are you?” Those three words are so insincere. Nobody really cares. It is mock courtesy.
*Sigh*. I need to stop using my Blog as a toxic waste dump. Its not helping and I am sure if I have a single reader, they don’t want to hear my crap.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hmm...pessimistic? Perhaps...
Some days I wonder why I even bother to express myself in any form. So many people I know do a arm-chair, under-the-bar form of diagnostic on my psyche and decide who and what I am from a few moments in talking with me. More often they are totally off mark and when I state something to that effect, suddenly I am being defensive or an incompetent since they themselves are the ‘professional’. Everyone always seem to want to pigeon-hole you, to classify you so that they feel secure in their knowledge and place in the universe little realizing that such feelings and placements are in reality, a myth. The reality is far more scarier than they can possibly imagine but I tolerate their moments of superiority since it gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling. There are days though I wonder why bother? Slapping them with the horror of reality would maybe awaken them, maybe put them in some sort of catatonic state. No, I have to tolerate their incompetence and satisfy their delusions that they are morally and mentally superior because ‘it’s the right thing to do’ or we can’t have truth when it hurts others now can we.
This past week I have had some revelations on society and groups. People would rather give up a part of themselves either personal truth, or to modify their ways so that they can be part of a group. They can’t or won’t be themselves. I am finding that the more I try to fit in, the less of me I become. I think I will stop doing that and just be myself. If people can’t accept that I am being me, then I don’t want anything to do with them.
I shouldn’t have a part of me be suppressed or even cut loose so that I can fit in.
I also notice I can be on for hours and my friends don’t even acknowledge my presence. Where did I sign the contract that stated I should have to be the one to initiate conversation all the time? That to be acknowledged, I have to be the one to exist first? I am reminded of the line of a song “I don’t exist when you’re not here”. I shouldn’t have to be here just for others, I should be here because it matters to me. Still, I question my relationships with others when I must breathe to be heard. I think I am beginning to understand the belief of the tragic artist, “I need to die to be known”.
Caledon continues to be amazing to me. It’s like having its citizens being in an endless dance with their thoughts in a perpetual dream state and they fearing to wake up, ruining the dream. One can be lost in its siren song. It’s not perfect, not by a long shot but it does have its fantasy and that fantasy does override its tarnish. If there were just more tolerance and less definition of ‘acceptable’ behavior, it would be a more inviting realm.
I have found other realms but generally the same method and attitude prevails there too. Perhaps it is a universal human trait and really won’t change, just the window dressing.
One of these days I might actually write something here that has meaning instead of my negative concerns and beliefs being transferred into a journal entry that people may peruse yet never really care about. It is more about my state of mind, these entries instead of any fact, fiction, or belief. It’s more of an inkling into my being, so to speak. Putting such words onto written form can be dangerous though for most folks are always trying to find that ‘edge’ over someone else to use them or bend them to their will.
Pessimistic to a fault I suppose but then, I have seen a lot of the human spirit and generally, it feels and looks to me to be one of dangerous, powerful, corruption, greed, and hate. These reflections overwhelm those aspects of humanity that are positive, overwhelm them in sheer mass and numbers.
This past week I have had some revelations on society and groups. People would rather give up a part of themselves either personal truth, or to modify their ways so that they can be part of a group. They can’t or won’t be themselves. I am finding that the more I try to fit in, the less of me I become. I think I will stop doing that and just be myself. If people can’t accept that I am being me, then I don’t want anything to do with them.
I shouldn’t have a part of me be suppressed or even cut loose so that I can fit in.
I also notice I can be on for hours and my friends don’t even acknowledge my presence. Where did I sign the contract that stated I should have to be the one to initiate conversation all the time? That to be acknowledged, I have to be the one to exist first? I am reminded of the line of a song “I don’t exist when you’re not here”. I shouldn’t have to be here just for others, I should be here because it matters to me. Still, I question my relationships with others when I must breathe to be heard. I think I am beginning to understand the belief of the tragic artist, “I need to die to be known”.
Caledon continues to be amazing to me. It’s like having its citizens being in an endless dance with their thoughts in a perpetual dream state and they fearing to wake up, ruining the dream. One can be lost in its siren song. It’s not perfect, not by a long shot but it does have its fantasy and that fantasy does override its tarnish. If there were just more tolerance and less definition of ‘acceptable’ behavior, it would be a more inviting realm.
I have found other realms but generally the same method and attitude prevails there too. Perhaps it is a universal human trait and really won’t change, just the window dressing.
One of these days I might actually write something here that has meaning instead of my negative concerns and beliefs being transferred into a journal entry that people may peruse yet never really care about. It is more about my state of mind, these entries instead of any fact, fiction, or belief. It’s more of an inkling into my being, so to speak. Putting such words onto written form can be dangerous though for most folks are always trying to find that ‘edge’ over someone else to use them or bend them to their will.
Pessimistic to a fault I suppose but then, I have seen a lot of the human spirit and generally, it feels and looks to me to be one of dangerous, powerful, corruption, greed, and hate. These reflections overwhelm those aspects of humanity that are positive, overwhelm them in sheer mass and numbers.
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