Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Hmm...pessimistic? Perhaps...

Some days I wonder why I even bother to express myself in any form. So many people I know do a arm-chair, under-the-bar form of diagnostic on my psyche and decide who and what I am from a few moments in talking with me. More often they are totally off mark and when I state something to that effect, suddenly I am being defensive or an incompetent since they themselves are the ‘professional’. Everyone always seem to want to pigeon-hole you, to classify you so that they feel secure in their knowledge and place in the universe little realizing that such feelings and placements are in reality, a myth. The reality is far more scarier than they can possibly imagine but I tolerate their moments of superiority since it gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling. There are days though I wonder why bother? Slapping them with the horror of reality would maybe awaken them, maybe put them in some sort of catatonic state. No, I have to tolerate their incompetence and satisfy their delusions that they are morally and mentally superior because ‘it’s the right thing to do’ or we can’t have truth when it hurts others now can we.

This past week I have had some revelations on society and groups. People would rather give up a part of themselves either personal truth, or to modify their ways so that they can be part of a group. They can’t or won’t be themselves. I am finding that the more I try to fit in, the less of me I become. I think I will stop doing that and just be myself. If people can’t accept that I am being me, then I don’t want anything to do with them.

I shouldn’t have a part of me be suppressed or even cut loose so that I can fit in.

I also notice I can be on for hours and my friends don’t even acknowledge my presence. Where did I sign the contract that stated I should have to be the one to initiate conversation all the time? That to be acknowledged, I have to be the one to exist first? I am reminded of the line of a song “I don’t exist when you’re not here”. I shouldn’t have to be here just for others, I should be here because it matters to me. Still, I question my relationships with others when I must breathe to be heard. I think I am beginning to understand the belief of the tragic artist, “I need to die to be known”.

Caledon continues to be amazing to me. It’s like having its citizens being in an endless dance with their thoughts in a perpetual dream state and they fearing to wake up, ruining the dream. One can be lost in its siren song. It’s not perfect, not by a long shot but it does have its fantasy and that fantasy does override its tarnish. If there were just more tolerance and less definition of ‘acceptable’ behavior, it would be a more inviting realm.
I have found other realms but generally the same method and attitude prevails there too. Perhaps it is a universal human trait and really won’t change, just the window dressing.

One of these days I might actually write something here that has meaning instead of my negative concerns and beliefs being transferred into a journal entry that people may peruse yet never really care about. It is more about my state of mind, these entries instead of any fact, fiction, or belief. It’s more of an inkling into my being, so to speak. Putting such words onto written form can be dangerous though for most folks are always trying to find that ‘edge’ over someone else to use them or bend them to their will.

Pessimistic to a fault I suppose but then, I have seen a lot of the human spirit and generally, it feels and looks to me to be one of dangerous, powerful, corruption, greed, and hate. These reflections overwhelm those aspects of humanity that are positive, overwhelm them in sheer mass and numbers.

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