Well Spring has hit, meaning its unpredicatble weather and storms. I love the storms part but wow, 95 degrees one day then 40 the next?
Rain, cleans. I enjoy rain. I enjoy the wind and the lightening and the thunder. Everyone I know hates rain but I love it. I love running through it. I still like to put my harness boots on and splash in puddles. I love driving my car through deep puddles in the streets, throwing a massive amount of water all over the place and freaking out the other drivers. I love that smell of rust and metal you get just before an electrical storm and how the trees show the undersides of their leaves from the updrafts of the air. People also don't realise what they are smelling is ionization. I so want to duplicate that in a lab somewhere. "Crazy Marcus' Ionization in a can smell". Its like new car smell but better. You can get that smell too when you know you are going to get a massive snowstorm. Electrical snowstorms are the best. The white powder coming down, the sound of thunder, the sky turning a greenish-yellow and it reflects on the fallen snow. So beautiful.
I have been busy with CIB Radio gigs lately. Working keeps me focused and happy. I just don't want to give the apperance to my fellow DJ's I am trying to take over CIB Radio, I am not. I just want it to succeed. I have added hundereds of new songs on my library of music and my Rave on the Rood tonight is not actually in Kintyre but on Erasmus and AutopilotPatty's roof which they have graciously allowed me to setup on. I like what the three of us have come up with for decorations. I think its going to be a fun time, I just need to get the word out about the location change. Half my playlist tonight is new music. Change can be positive and good and I think adding more music is great to keep us fresh.
With May comes new weather, new Spring, new ideas and new changes. All of which I feel are good awakenings for me, my mind, my body, my spirit.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The futures so bright I need my tinted goggles...
Well, I think I am starting to settle down and get serious. Relay For Life is doing well and I am assisting with the 1920’s Flapper dance on the 19th. I am also pouring more into making CIB Radio a stronger company. I am putting uncertainty and shaky feet behind me and looking forward. I am no longer going to be a mass of unstable neurons so these entries will start changing.
Anger has begun to drive me a bit. Anger at cancer. Anger at people that make promises and try to beguile me with drama and lies. Anger that I have wasted my time wallowing in self pity and uncertainty. RFL is too important to me to not be focused on it. Any of my other insecurities and complaints seems petty in comparison. CIB Radio needs to succeed and I have no problem throwing a great deal of my energy into it. I can do a lot for the company and for those that are co-owners and staff. I think it is about time to do and not worry, to cut loose dead weight and self promotion. I wasn’t going to do themes for my Wednesday raves but in seeing what Bob is doing for the disco, I think it’s a good promotional thing for CIB radio. So, come the 30th I should work on a theme and get billboards out for it. Thanks Bob, you certainly have inspired me.
I feel energized. I feel motivated. I am closing another chapter in the book of my life and looking forward to the next, newer chapter. Its clean white pages unbent and stainless look beautiful to me.
Anger has begun to drive me a bit. Anger at cancer. Anger at people that make promises and try to beguile me with drama and lies. Anger that I have wasted my time wallowing in self pity and uncertainty. RFL is too important to me to not be focused on it. Any of my other insecurities and complaints seems petty in comparison. CIB Radio needs to succeed and I have no problem throwing a great deal of my energy into it. I can do a lot for the company and for those that are co-owners and staff. I think it is about time to do and not worry, to cut loose dead weight and self promotion. I wasn’t going to do themes for my Wednesday raves but in seeing what Bob is doing for the disco, I think it’s a good promotional thing for CIB radio. So, come the 30th I should work on a theme and get billboards out for it. Thanks Bob, you certainly have inspired me.
I feel energized. I feel motivated. I am closing another chapter in the book of my life and looking forward to the next, newer chapter. Its clean white pages unbent and stainless look beautiful to me.
I never seem to be able to do enough. I have many friends and I try to communicate with them on a regular basis but it’s tough. Folks are busy, I have projects to do, and time seems to be filled with smallish things. Then there is SLRFL. The cause is very important to me, not because of anyone close to me or anyone I know that well having cancer. It’s just because. Then there is CIB Radio. That’s important to me. I enjoy being a DJ. It pleases that people enjoy my personality and the music I play. If I inspire anyone with music, it’s been a good day.
So why is it that I never feel like I am doing enough? Is it because I want to be in control? I want the attention? Almost every day I am in Caledon. I dance and think. I flirt and think. I explore and shop and build and talk and still, I think. I feel that if I am not doing something constructive I am wasting time. If I am not playing music or building or improving my relations with others, if I am not promoting CIB Radio or SLRFL I feel like I am wasting time.
How many dances can one attend to feel worth? How many clothes can one have? How much money to donate and how much time to give?
It still never feels like enough. I told Erasmus the other day, you do what you can and have to be satisfied. I offer advice, but I can’t heed my own?
SLRFL has made me think too much, to care for others too much. I have made too many mistakes in not helping enough, too many turns left instead of right. Too much falling down where instead I should have been looking up. Am I stronger because of this? Will I stop kicking and torturing myself for my mistakes? My errors and mistakes tarnish my soul. Not even time cleanses that.
So why is it that I never feel like I am doing enough? Is it because I want to be in control? I want the attention? Almost every day I am in Caledon. I dance and think. I flirt and think. I explore and shop and build and talk and still, I think. I feel that if I am not doing something constructive I am wasting time. If I am not playing music or building or improving my relations with others, if I am not promoting CIB Radio or SLRFL I feel like I am wasting time.
How many dances can one attend to feel worth? How many clothes can one have? How much money to donate and how much time to give?
It still never feels like enough. I told Erasmus the other day, you do what you can and have to be satisfied. I offer advice, but I can’t heed my own?
SLRFL has made me think too much, to care for others too much. I have made too many mistakes in not helping enough, too many turns left instead of right. Too much falling down where instead I should have been looking up. Am I stronger because of this? Will I stop kicking and torturing myself for my mistakes? My errors and mistakes tarnish my soul. Not even time cleanses that.
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