I never seem to be able to do enough. I have many friends and I try to communicate with them on a regular basis but it’s tough. Folks are busy, I have projects to do, and time seems to be filled with smallish things. Then there is SLRFL. The cause is very important to me, not because of anyone close to me or anyone I know that well having cancer. It’s just because. Then there is CIB Radio. That’s important to me. I enjoy being a DJ. It pleases that people enjoy my personality and the music I play. If I inspire anyone with music, it’s been a good day.

So why is it that I never feel like I am doing enough? Is it because I want to be in control? I want the attention? Almost every day I am in Caledon. I dance and think. I flirt and think. I explore and shop and build and talk and still, I think. I feel that if I am not doing something constructive I am wasting time. If I am not playing music or building or improving my relations with others, if I am not promoting CIB Radio or SLRFL I feel like I am wasting time.

How many dances can one attend to feel worth? How many clothes can one have? How much money to donate and how much time to give?

It still never feels like enough. I told Erasmus the other day, you do what you can and have to be satisfied. I offer advice, but I can’t heed my own?

SLRFL has made me think too much, to care for others too much. I have made too many mistakes in not helping enough, too many turns left instead of right. Too much falling down where instead I should have been looking up. Am I stronger because of this? Will I stop kicking and torturing myself for my mistakes? My errors and mistakes tarnish my soul. Not even time cleanses that.